Celebrity Letters: Barney

Dear Barney,

Shut. The fuck. Up.

Sincerely,
Me

Celebrity Letters: Martin Scorsese

Dear Martin,

I just saw The Departed last night. Dude. You deserve six Oscars for that film. It kicked all kinds of ass. YOU kick all kinds of ass. Also, congratulations on making Matt Damon look like a prick. This is probably the first time I've seen him play someone truly unlikeable. I was screeching for joy when he...well, you know the ending. Thank you also for doing whatever it is you do that make Leo DiCaprio and Jack Nicholson shine. You, sir, are awesome. The Academy has robbed you in the past. Maybe you don't care anymore. But still. You deserve something for this masterpiece.

Yours,

Nosleep3

Nekkid

 For those of you who've ever read Naked Quidditch, and just weren't sure how to imagine it properly...

Radcliffe is doing a nude play.

Dude, even the director said "Oh my god."

When does this guy turn 18 so that I can not be ashamed of myself?

I'm baaaa-aaaaaack.

Of course, Absent is probably the only one who will notice, but that's fine and dandy. If I can make one person laugh, I've done something. Now, on to the show!

Celebrity Letters!

Dear Eddie Murphy,

Congratulations on the Golden Globe, and on the Oscar buzz. I know it's been a long, hard road for you, but here's one thing I think might cheer you up:

I absolutely loved Harlem Nights. Screw the critics, I thought it was hilarious. And I LOVED that it depicted black people as posh, beautiful and clever.

Love,

Me

*****

Dear Placido Domingo,

This evening I found the most AMAZING chocolate cake recipe ever. It's smooth and buttery and melts in my mouth, something I never thought I'd find in a cake. It doesn't need icing, it's that good. Why does this matter? The cake is called Chocolate Domingo, and the woman who created it, Rose Levy Beranbaum, named it after you, because of the endless pleasure your voice gives her. Tonight I feasted on this cake and on your music. Rose was right. There are no words to express how your voice makes me feel. But there is this cake.

Love,

Me

*****

Dear America Ferrera,

Your show is awesome. You deserve that Golden Globe, and I was pulling for you. Please ignore that Maria Menounos; she thinks the best way to get people talking about her is to be mean rather than work on any extraordinary talent. You, on the other hand, are incredible. Nearly every episode of your show has made me laugh AND cry. Keep up the great work.

Love,

Nosleep3

Celebrity Letters: Pixar

Dear Pixar,

Hi, it's me again. The one who called you out on that wierd, almost suggestively-shaped shrub in The Incredibles, and the one who noticed that all your feature-length films except for Finding Nemo include the words "shut up," "stupid," "idiot," and/or "moron" (not including Cars, which I have not yet had an opportunity to dissect).

Anyway, y'all have produced nothing but winners so far, but I gotta tell ya, the whole Ratatouille thing is looking sort of...well, uninteresting is the word. A rat who wants to be a master chef...yeah, sorry, not working for me. I know you've got Brad Bird on the project, and that man just doesn't know how to make a story that's not awesome, but seriously, guys. The trailer is not exciting my interest (or my kids' for that matter). There's already another computer animated rat movie coming soon, Flushed Away, which I know you can't exactly help, especially since Dreamworks makes it their mission in life to rip off your story ideas, rush them through the animation process, and put out their own film before yours. But still. Not liking the idea of all these rodent movies with sewers and whatnot. I do not take my children to the movies to be grossed out. Hopefully yours will not have so many slugs as your competitor's.

Obviously, you have a leak at your company, but that's a whole other problem. The issue at hand is that after seven straight successes you are due a flop, and unless I start seeing some kick-ass trailers to convince me otherwise, Ratatouille is going to be it. Watch it, guys.

Yours as always,

Me